Blaming the victim

It’s hard not to feel helpless when the person you are caring for has bad days. You don't know what to do and so you feel scared, as any human being would. But as a result, you may unintentionally slip into to “blaming the victim.”

You may do this by getting mad at your loved one for not "doing something" to avoid the bad days, as if this was possible. Or you may want them to "fake it til you make it" and pretend they aren't feeling the way they are feeling. Or you want to micro-manage them by getting on top of their compliance with medications. Clearly, none of this is helpful to them and, instead, leaves them feeling unsupported at a time when they need your support.

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Have you sat down to talk with them about how they feel? Have they had a chance to educate you on what you can do to help them — even if it means backing off — when they are having a bad day? You may have tried this already, but it might help to sit down and get some education.

And while you are at it, this might be a good time to let the person you care for know how they can better help you to help them. Making an agreement to be honest with each other is a great start.

Give your loved one permission to say: “don't worry, I will get through this, and I you will be the first person I will come to if I need help." This might be a good start.

Off to the beach.

Need to run away to gather your thoughts, calm your jangled nerves, and get back to your center? Sounds like time for a little break. No, you don’t have to take the nearest flight to Miami. No need to do all that traveling or wait that long. You can do it right now.

Take a short break from the action. Five minutes if that’s all you have. Find a quieter place where you can be alone. Even the bathroom will do.

Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few slow, deep breaths to begin to calm yourself down. Close your eyes. And then visualize a calm place where you feel relaxed, safe, and at peace with yourself and the world. Like the beach. Or if you are not a beach person, some other place where you feel this way, or your back yard, a park after it’s been snowing, or your grandmother’s kitchen.

Imagine that you have been dropped into this calm place to take a break. What are the smells? The physical sensations? Any happy memories?

Visualize yourself enjoying your surroundings, relaxed, peaceful, renewed. And compassion fatigue avoided for another day.

When you are back to your center, you’re also ready to head back into the action, that much better prepared to maintain your cool.