Remind yourself that you are a work in progress.

Looking for another way to stress yourself out?

How about telling yourself what you should have done, said, felt, accomplished, been acknowledged for, etc. All those “shoulds” can turn into a big old club. And if you use that club to hit yourself over the head a few times, you can end up with stress, and probably a headache to go along with it.

Ready to put the club away but not sure how to do it?

You can start by making the decision to allow yourself to be human. That means not always being perfect. Making a few mistakes, a few misjudgments. Pushing too hard, or being a little lazy. Being flat-footed once in awhile and stepping on somebody’s toes.

That’s all part of being human. We learn from our miss-steps. We try to do better next time. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we have to keep practicing. Two steps forward, one or two steps back.

Lighten up. Shake your head at yourself and smile. Resolve to keep trying.

Remind yourself that you are work in progress. You may never “arrive,” whatever that means. But it’s all about doing the best you can on this journey of life.

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Blaming the victim

It’s hard not to feel helpless when the person you are caring for has bad days. You don't know what to do and so you feel scared, as any human being would. But as a result, you may unintentionally slip into to “blaming the victim.”

You may do this by getting mad at your loved one for not "doing something" to avoid the bad days, as if this was possible. Or you may want them to "fake it til you make it" and pretend they aren't feeling the way they are feeling. Or you want to micro-manage them by getting on top of their compliance with medications. Clearly, none of this is helpful to them and, instead, leaves them feeling unsupported at a time when they need your support.

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Have you sat down to talk with them about how they feel? Have they had a chance to educate you on what you can do to help them — even if it means backing off — when they are having a bad day? You may have tried this already, but it might help to sit down and get some education.

And while you are at it, this might be a good time to let the person you care for know how they can better help you to help them. Making an agreement to be honest with each other is a great start.

Give your loved one permission to say: “don't worry, I will get through this, and I you will be the first person I will come to if I need help." This might be a good start.

Off to the beach.

Need to run away to gather your thoughts, calm your jangled nerves, and get back to your center? Sounds like time for a little break. No, you don’t have to take the nearest flight to Miami. No need to do all that traveling or wait that long. You can do it right now.

Take a short break from the action. Five minutes if that’s all you have. Find a quieter place where you can be alone. Even the bathroom will do.

Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few slow, deep breaths to begin to calm yourself down. Close your eyes. And then visualize a calm place where you feel relaxed, safe, and at peace with yourself and the world. Like the beach. Or if you are not a beach person, some other place where you feel this way, or your back yard, a park after it’s been snowing, or your grandmother’s kitchen.

Imagine that you have been dropped into this calm place to take a break. What are the smells? The physical sensations? Any happy memories?

Visualize yourself enjoying your surroundings, relaxed, peaceful, renewed. And compassion fatigue avoided for another day.

When you are back to your center, you’re also ready to head back into the action, that much better prepared to maintain your cool.

Hospitals and helplessness.

After suffering too long with a hand infection, I finally reported to an emergency room last week, and was immediately admitted to the hospital. I was quickly reminded of something that I tell my clients: being in a hospital is like entering into another culture, with different clothing, rules, language. You ae the patient and you are the outsider. It has been a long time since I felt this helpless. You wait, you worry, you put up with a lot of discomfort. Things happen on someone else's schedule. You have minimal choice about what you eat, if any. The days pass slowly, at night you find yourself awakened virtually every hour. What was especially interesting to me was observing the caregivers. They often looked like walking wounded, worried expressions, clearly exhausted. I had various roommates while I was there. Family members came to visit, sat while their loved one complained, or cried. They gently asked nurses to give their loved one a little extra assistance, clearly afraid to rock the boat by appearing to be too demanding. And patients told their caregivers to go home and get some rest, feeling their own guilt. The caregiver's burden. I see it my clients, and I saw it my own mirror when I was taking care of my mom. As I was going for my occassional strolls, hand in hand with my IV rack, I saw caregivers standing in the hallways, taking a breather, making a quick phone call to give a status report, or to reconnect with their own lives for a minute or two. I smiled at them, and sometimes received a sad smile in return. Life on life's terms.

Sweating the small stuff

It always really annoys me when I hear the phrase, "don't sweat the small stuff." First, I don't like cliches. Second, and more important, it usually being said by someone who doesn't understand what the person they are saying it to is going through. Caregivers, for example. Caregiving is all about sweating the small stuff, being there to manage the little details that contribute to quality of life for the person you are taking care of. Making sure a favorite snack is available. Giving them a call in the middle of the day. Double and triple checking on a doctor's appointment. Help them get dressed but honoring by not doing it for them even when it takes three times as long to do it that way. The small stuff that caregivers sweat.

Frustration

These days, daily life gives us any number of reasons for our frustration button to be pushed hard. You name it, the weather, the economy, our jobs, family… and facing the day-to-day challenges of caregiving.

It is only human to feel frustrated when life seems to be throwing one curveball after another, to ask questions like “what is this happening to me?” Lingering frustration can be a “gift” that keeps on giving. It can bring up a lot of strong feelings that may be hard to sort out. It can make you wonder if there is anything you can do to fix things, and if you should even bother to try. Frustration can leave you with a pretty bleak view of your future.

Show yourself some compassion… and patience. Go easy on yourself, tell yourself that you are facing a lot and that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, and that you will find a way to face his challenge, as you have faced others in the past. Turn your compassion outward. If you can stop being hard on yourself you will also be less likely to be hard on others.