Sweating the small stuff

It always really annoys me when I hear the phrase, "don't sweat the small stuff." First, I don't like cliches. Second, and more important, it usually being said by someone who doesn't understand what the person they are saying it to is going through. Caregivers, for example. Caregiving is all about sweating the small stuff, being there to manage the little details that contribute to quality of life for the person you are taking care of. Making sure a favorite snack is available. Giving them a call in the middle of the day. Double and triple checking on a doctor's appointment. Help them get dressed but honoring by not doing it for them even when it takes three times as long to do it that way. The small stuff that caregivers sweat.

Frustration

These days, daily life gives us any number of reasons for our frustration button to be pushed hard. You name it, the weather, the economy, our jobs, family… and facing the day-to-day challenges of caregiving.

It is only human to feel frustrated when life seems to be throwing one curveball after another, to ask questions like “what is this happening to me?” Lingering frustration can be a “gift” that keeps on giving. It can bring up a lot of strong feelings that may be hard to sort out. It can make you wonder if there is anything you can do to fix things, and if you should even bother to try. Frustration can leave you with a pretty bleak view of your future.

Show yourself some compassion… and patience. Go easy on yourself, tell yourself that you are facing a lot and that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, and that you will find a way to face his challenge, as you have faced others in the past. Turn your compassion outward. If you can stop being hard on yourself you will also be less likely to be hard on others.

accepting the 95%

A good friend is dealing with a health concern, and is going in for testing today. When I was telling her how concerned I am for her, she mad the comment that 95% of life is out of our control. I was thinking about how the experience of being a caregiver brought that realization home for me. We have no idea. Life is not just, it just is. People get sick, they need help, they inconvenience us, we love them, we deal with reality. One of the first things we give up us our need to control. But when we do, it makes it a lot easier to give up whatever else we have to give up. Life on life's terms, not our terms.

Getting through the day

This is one of those days where the best way to get through it is just to get through it. To put one foot before the other, viewing the day as practice, doing what you have decided to do because you decided to do it. Not expecting a pat on the back or a thank you. Accepting life on life's terms. This is how we validate ourselves. This is how caregivers keep caring.

Burnout

Burnout, and compassion fatigue, at various degrees, is a common experience for caregivers. Caregivers think that they should not be feeling this way, and so they hold these feelings in. They may be afraid that if they slow down or try to delegate, their loved one won't get the care that they need. They fear that they will somehow drop the ball, and then feel guilty if "something bad happens." Doctors often tell me that they worry as much, or more, about the caregivers of Alzheimer's patients as they do the patients.

Let yourself feel the fatigue and frustration of caregiving. Talk to an objective third party, vent if you need to. Get some breaks here and there, a day or two off. Take care of yourself.

Wake up.

Caregiving is a spiritual experience in so many ways. It forces us to look at our basic beliefs about life, to face the reality of decline and death that up until this moment had been abstract. For many of us, this can be a time of spiritual awakening.

The disappointments and sorrows of life make the present moment that much more precious!

HALT

HALT!

Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?

If you have ever been involved in a 12-step group, you are most likely already familiar this acronym. Basically, it refers to an emotional state that can be the breeding ground for a relapse.

But I think it has special meaning for caregivers. I don't think I have every met a caregiver who doesn't find themselves missing meals or not eating well, feeling angry about something that has happened to them or their loved one, not getting enough emotional support and companionship, or just plain dog tired. Or some combination. Or all four.

It's hard to be there for someone else when you aren't being there for yourslf. Be mindful of how your feeling, and how one of the four HALT siblings can sneak into your life. When you observe this in yourself, do an intervention to take care of yourself and send that one packing.

HALT!