Are your friends sticking around while you are distracted by caregiving responsibilities?
Human beings are constantly changing, what they need from other people changes, what they can give changes, nothing stays the same forever. We grow at our own pace, and in different ways from the people in our life.
Sometimes we are ready to relate to people differently, we expect more from them, we wanted to be treated in a different way that reflects whom we have become or want to become. Some of the people in our lives can change the way they relate to us, to move in a more positive direction with us, and others can't or won't because they have too much invest in treating us the old way. Whether it is good for them or good for us. And so the relationship has to end.
It's a sad part of life. But on the other hand, as painful as change can be, it's how we grow. Real friends stay the course with us, even if it's not always smooth.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Getting the Conversation Started
One of the issues that we often talk about is support. Some tell me that their family members are constantly attempting to do things for them, to the point that they are made to feel that they can't do anything for themselves. Others tell me that their families aren't helpful at all.
What I learned is that communication is the common thread that runs through all of these conversations. When one family member is facing mobility issues, others in the household often feel helpless. They are worried about the indiviudal whose mobility is imparied, and so they try to jump in and do everything. In a way, they are trying to make themselves feel better by doing taking control, or at least trying. On the other hand, feelings of helplessness can cause family members to essentially 'run away' out of fear that they might do the wrong thing. They make themxelves feel better by avoiding what they think could be an uncomfortable situation.
The best cure for feelings of helplessness is communication. Have you ever sat down with your loved ones and talked about how you feel, physically and emotionally, and letting them know how they can help? Have you ever asked them about what's going with them in regard to your situation? This might lead to a discussion of how they can help, and what you don't need them to help you with. And it might mean a whole lot less tiptoeing around at your house.
Some of the most rewarding experiences I have had include sitting down with patients and family members and helping them to talk about how they can work better together. If you are having trouble initiating this conversation, you might call upon a healthcare or mental health professional to act as mediator.
What I learned is that communication is the common thread that runs through all of these conversations. When one family member is facing mobility issues, others in the household often feel helpless. They are worried about the indiviudal whose mobility is imparied, and so they try to jump in and do everything. In a way, they are trying to make themselves feel better by doing taking control, or at least trying. On the other hand, feelings of helplessness can cause family members to essentially 'run away' out of fear that they might do the wrong thing. They make themxelves feel better by avoiding what they think could be an uncomfortable situation.
The best cure for feelings of helplessness is communication. Have you ever sat down with your loved ones and talked about how you feel, physically and emotionally, and letting them know how they can help? Have you ever asked them about what's going with them in regard to your situation? This might lead to a discussion of how they can help, and what you don't need them to help you with. And it might mean a whole lot less tiptoeing around at your house.
Some of the most rewarding experiences I have had include sitting down with patients and family members and helping them to talk about how they can work better together. If you are having trouble initiating this conversation, you might call upon a healthcare or mental health professional to act as mediator.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Overwhelmed? Time to make a bucket list? (Not THAT one.)
Sometimes it can feel like life throws a lot of curveballs at once, and they come at us so fast that we feel like we don't know which one to try and catch, or if we should even bother to try. Or if we should try to juggle all of them until we fall down exhausted.
Caregivers have a special relationship with curveballs.
Here's a way to look at what's going on in your life in a way that might help to reduce your anxiety.
Managing your your responsibilities as a caregiver is one challenge. Others might include a bill that has to get paid, a relationship problem, your boss’s bad moods, your child’s last report card, that leaky sink…
Put each challenge in its own bucket.
Then, go from one bucket to the next, one at a time rather than all at once. As you examine what's in each bucket, ask yourself: What do I have control over here and what do I not have control over? Is there anything about this problem that needs my attention? What do I have to do? What do I have to accept?
As you examine what’s in each bucket, decide:
What you can and can’t do about the problem.
What your action plan is (don't forget to focus on what you can actually control here).
How important it is to solve this problem, compared to the other challenges you are facing right now.
And ask yourself: Is this something that I need to learn to sit with, as I am learning to sit with life as life is, and not as I wish it would be?
Line the buckets up, with the most important bucket first in line, followed by the others, in order of importance. In other words, ask yourself which bucket you want to dive into first. Hint: it’s important to care for the caregiver, so I would put that self-care bucket first in line, and keep it there! What does it mean for you to take care of yourself?
Take action – realistic action – and then move on to the next bucket.
This isn't magic. Your challenges aren't going to magically go away. But you can at least see where you are making headway and where you aren't, and you can see what you need to do. And maybe you can even see where you need to relax.
The point is to look at your life challenges in a way that provides you with the opportunity to see where they can, individually, be managed. It's when we see only this big mass of trouble that we feel overwhelmed.
Part of coping with life is realizing what we can change and what we can't change, and then deciding how best to go with the flow.
I would also encourage you to reach out for support. Friends, family members, who can listen objectively when you need to talk. You might also consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help you to maintain your perspective as you deal with these challenges.
Caregivers have a special relationship with curveballs.
Here's a way to look at what's going on in your life in a way that might help to reduce your anxiety.
Managing your your responsibilities as a caregiver is one challenge. Others might include a bill that has to get paid, a relationship problem, your boss’s bad moods, your child’s last report card, that leaky sink…
Put each challenge in its own bucket.
Then, go from one bucket to the next, one at a time rather than all at once. As you examine what's in each bucket, ask yourself: What do I have control over here and what do I not have control over? Is there anything about this problem that needs my attention? What do I have to do? What do I have to accept?
As you examine what’s in each bucket, decide:
What you can and can’t do about the problem.
What your action plan is (don't forget to focus on what you can actually control here).
How important it is to solve this problem, compared to the other challenges you are facing right now.
And ask yourself: Is this something that I need to learn to sit with, as I am learning to sit with life as life is, and not as I wish it would be?
Line the buckets up, with the most important bucket first in line, followed by the others, in order of importance. In other words, ask yourself which bucket you want to dive into first. Hint: it’s important to care for the caregiver, so I would put that self-care bucket first in line, and keep it there! What does it mean for you to take care of yourself?
Take action – realistic action – and then move on to the next bucket.
This isn't magic. Your challenges aren't going to magically go away. But you can at least see where you are making headway and where you aren't, and you can see what you need to do. And maybe you can even see where you need to relax.
The point is to look at your life challenges in a way that provides you with the opportunity to see where they can, individually, be managed. It's when we see only this big mass of trouble that we feel overwhelmed.
Part of coping with life is realizing what we can change and what we can't change, and then deciding how best to go with the flow.
I would also encourage you to reach out for support. Friends, family members, who can listen objectively when you need to talk. You might also consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help you to maintain your perspective as you deal with these challenges.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Anticipating a happy 2011
Yes, in spite of the title of my post, I write that without sarcasm. So you might be asking, how can I have a happy new year when I'm feeling anything but happy?
It is a human to be continuously hoping for more in life, to wish that things were different than what we actually experience, to not understand why our best efforts don't always seem to pay off, to be amazed that other people behave as they do. Feeling disappointed at the unfairness of life. The world just doesn't work the way that we think it should.
For better or worse, it's normal to feel this way. Someone in my house feels this way at times. Since I live alone, it must be me. Yep, it's me.
What I have learned to do in my own life, and try to help my clients to do, is to "sit" with disappointment. That doesn't mean welcoming disappointment, and it doesn't mean wallowing in it.
Sitting is really about accepting. When we sit with our disappointment, we accept that life isn't always what we wish it would be or think it should be (even if, darn it all, we are absolutely right!). It means living life on life's terms. Acknowledging that things aren't as we would have them to be, picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, moving on.
Hoping — and striving — for something better is what keeps us moving forward in our lives.
I know this isn't easy for you to do. It's not easy for me, either. And I know that if you are experiencing clinical depression, living with disappointment, picking yourself up and moving forward, takes additional help in the form of medication and therapy. I remind my clients that asking for help from the mental health profession is a sign of strength, and resilience, that will to live that is inherent in all human beings, and not weakness.
We are all surrounded by lots of evidence as to why we feel disappointed. No disputing that. But I would also encourage you to look for the evidence that there is also a lot of good in the world, and the people who live in it. We're all in this together.
As humans, not having our expectations met, as reasonable as they are, is part of the deal. Accepting that our expectations won't always be met and, sometimes, never seem to be met, can help you to give up the internal battle: The battle of you against the world and the world against you. I would encourage you to relax the need to always be in control and, instead, to go with the flow.
Life is what it is. Let's work with what is.
What we do have control over is our ability to choose — to choose to see the possibilities, to choose to reach out for professional help, to choose to bring supportive people into our lives, to choose to make the absolute best out of our own lives and the lives of the people we care about.
So I will say it again. Happy New Year! I am thrilled to be friends with so many fellow travelers on the road of life. By being strong for each other, we also become stronger as individuals.
It is a human to be continuously hoping for more in life, to wish that things were different than what we actually experience, to not understand why our best efforts don't always seem to pay off, to be amazed that other people behave as they do. Feeling disappointed at the unfairness of life. The world just doesn't work the way that we think it should.
For better or worse, it's normal to feel this way. Someone in my house feels this way at times. Since I live alone, it must be me. Yep, it's me.
What I have learned to do in my own life, and try to help my clients to do, is to "sit" with disappointment. That doesn't mean welcoming disappointment, and it doesn't mean wallowing in it.
Sitting is really about accepting. When we sit with our disappointment, we accept that life isn't always what we wish it would be or think it should be (even if, darn it all, we are absolutely right!). It means living life on life's terms. Acknowledging that things aren't as we would have them to be, picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, moving on.
Hoping — and striving — for something better is what keeps us moving forward in our lives.
I know this isn't easy for you to do. It's not easy for me, either. And I know that if you are experiencing clinical depression, living with disappointment, picking yourself up and moving forward, takes additional help in the form of medication and therapy. I remind my clients that asking for help from the mental health profession is a sign of strength, and resilience, that will to live that is inherent in all human beings, and not weakness.
We are all surrounded by lots of evidence as to why we feel disappointed. No disputing that. But I would also encourage you to look for the evidence that there is also a lot of good in the world, and the people who live in it. We're all in this together.
As humans, not having our expectations met, as reasonable as they are, is part of the deal. Accepting that our expectations won't always be met and, sometimes, never seem to be met, can help you to give up the internal battle: The battle of you against the world and the world against you. I would encourage you to relax the need to always be in control and, instead, to go with the flow.
Life is what it is. Let's work with what is.
What we do have control over is our ability to choose — to choose to see the possibilities, to choose to reach out for professional help, to choose to bring supportive people into our lives, to choose to make the absolute best out of our own lives and the lives of the people we care about.
So I will say it again. Happy New Year! I am thrilled to be friends with so many fellow travelers on the road of life. By being strong for each other, we also become stronger as individuals.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Holiday Memories
The holidays are a time for togetherness, to share the pleasures of family. They are also a bittersweet time because, in the midst of that togetherness, we are also faced with change. Unfortunately, change includes the inevitable changes that accompany a chronic illness, or the decline and losses of old age. That's just part of life.
The decline that ill or older family members are experiencing can be especially obvious during holiday events. Maybe the aren't moving so well, or aren't as focused, or are showing other impairments. If you haven't seen them for a long period of time, this can be especially disconcerting. It is only human nature to be tempted to dwell on what used to be, and to be filled with sadness and regret. No one wants to be reminded that old age is often accompanied by decline, and that the circle will not be unbroken.
But the holidays are also a time to remember! Past holidays, memories of good deeds and kind words, shared joys and shared sadness. The little and the big things that make up relationships.
Holiday events are a great time to reminisce about the past. And older people often have vivid memories of these shared events, even if they aren't always so good about remembering what they might have done the day before. This is how the human brain works.
Over the holidays, sit down with your family member and share the memories. Conversations starters might include:
"Remember the time…"
"What was it like when…"
"Tell me a story about…"
Or even…
"Thank you so much for the time…"
Who knows, you might learn something new. And chances are, your older loved one will fill you in a few details that have slipped your mind.
And if they have forgotten, then it's your turn to tell a story. Fill them in on a time that you shared together. Remind them of what they have meant to you.
Holidays are for sharing the present, the past, and building bridges into the future.
Share the love!
The decline that ill or older family members are experiencing can be especially obvious during holiday events. Maybe the aren't moving so well, or aren't as focused, or are showing other impairments. If you haven't seen them for a long period of time, this can be especially disconcerting. It is only human nature to be tempted to dwell on what used to be, and to be filled with sadness and regret. No one wants to be reminded that old age is often accompanied by decline, and that the circle will not be unbroken.
But the holidays are also a time to remember! Past holidays, memories of good deeds and kind words, shared joys and shared sadness. The little and the big things that make up relationships.
Holiday events are a great time to reminisce about the past. And older people often have vivid memories of these shared events, even if they aren't always so good about remembering what they might have done the day before. This is how the human brain works.
Over the holidays, sit down with your family member and share the memories. Conversations starters might include:
"Remember the time…"
"What was it like when…"
"Tell me a story about…"
Or even…
"Thank you so much for the time…"
Who knows, you might learn something new. And chances are, your older loved one will fill you in a few details that have slipped your mind.
And if they have forgotten, then it's your turn to tell a story. Fill them in on a time that you shared together. Remind them of what they have meant to you.
Holidays are for sharing the present, the past, and building bridges into the future.
Share the love!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sharing the love over the holidays
The holidays are a time for togetherness, to share the pleasures of family. They are also a bittersweet time because, in the midst of that togetherness, we are also faced with change. Unfortunately, change includes the inevitable decline and losses of old age. That's just part of life.
The decline that older family members are experiencing can be especially obvious during holiday events. Maybe the aren't moving so well, or aren't as focused, or are showing other impairments. If you haven't seen them for a long period of time, this can be especially disconcerting. It is only human nature to be tempted to dwell on what used to be, and to be filled with sadness and regret. No one wants to be reminded that old age is often accompanied by decline, and that the circle will not be unbroken.
But the holidays are also a time to remember! Past holidays, memories of good deeds and kind words, shared joys and shared sadness. The little and the big things that make up relationships.
Holiday events are a great time to reminisce about the past. And older people often have vivid memories of these shared events, even if they aren't always so good about remembering what they might have done the day before. This is how the human brain works.
Over the holidays, sit down with your older family member and share the memories. Conversations starters might include:
"Remember the time…"
"What was it like when…"
"Tell me a story about…"
Or even…
"Thank you so much for the time…"
Who knows, you might learn something new. And chances are, your older loved one will fill you in a few details that have slipped your mind.
And if they have forgotten, then it's your turn to tell a story. Fill them in on a time that you shared together. Remind them of what they have meant to you.
Holidays are for sharing the present, the past, and building bridges into the future.
Share the love!
The decline that older family members are experiencing can be especially obvious during holiday events. Maybe the aren't moving so well, or aren't as focused, or are showing other impairments. If you haven't seen them for a long period of time, this can be especially disconcerting. It is only human nature to be tempted to dwell on what used to be, and to be filled with sadness and regret. No one wants to be reminded that old age is often accompanied by decline, and that the circle will not be unbroken.
But the holidays are also a time to remember! Past holidays, memories of good deeds and kind words, shared joys and shared sadness. The little and the big things that make up relationships.
Holiday events are a great time to reminisce about the past. And older people often have vivid memories of these shared events, even if they aren't always so good about remembering what they might have done the day before. This is how the human brain works.
Over the holidays, sit down with your older family member and share the memories. Conversations starters might include:
"Remember the time…"
"What was it like when…"
"Tell me a story about…"
Or even…
"Thank you so much for the time…"
Who knows, you might learn something new. And chances are, your older loved one will fill you in a few details that have slipped your mind.
And if they have forgotten, then it's your turn to tell a story. Fill them in on a time that you shared together. Remind them of what they have meant to you.
Holidays are for sharing the present, the past, and building bridges into the future.
Share the love!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Giving, giving, gone?
The holidays are a time of giving to others and that can be a beautiful thing. But to someone involved in being a caregiver, the holidays can add an additional burden that can make the holidays feel like one big burden. If you are a caregiver, you are most likely trying to balance your caregiving responsibilities with the other obligations that arise during this time of year. You may be doing your own shopping while also shopping for the person you care for, wrapping their gifts as you wrap yours, planning events that may or may not include them. The pressure to keep up your own personal traditions, and to please the people who rely on you, while also keeping up traditions for the person you care for can be draining. I know, I have been there. And so have many of my clients. I would encourage to give up the need to be super________ (woman, man, adult child, partner, etc.) Decide what you can reasonably do for the people in your life and what you can't do. Enlist help. Say no to a few events, or go but buy a pie instead of showing off your baking skills. Also, be honest with the person you are caring for. Let them know what you want to do and can do, and also what you want to do but can't do.
Build in some "me" time -- now wouldn't that be a perfect gift?
Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Giving until you are angry, frustrated, emotionally and physically depleted... that isn't going to help anyone.
Take time to rest, meditate, get reconnected with your own inner core. You can only do what you can do.
Build in some "me" time -- now wouldn't that be a perfect gift?
Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Giving until you are angry, frustrated, emotionally and physically depleted... that isn't going to help anyone.
Take time to rest, meditate, get reconnected with your own inner core. You can only do what you can do.
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