accepting the 95%

A good friend is dealing with a health concern, and is going in for testing today. When I was telling her how concerned I am for her, she mad the comment that 95% of life is out of our control. I was thinking about how the experience of being a caregiver brought that realization home for me. We have no idea. Life is not just, it just is. People get sick, they need help, they inconvenience us, we love them, we deal with reality. One of the first things we give up us our need to control. But when we do, it makes it a lot easier to give up whatever else we have to give up. Life on life's terms, not our terms.

Getting through the day

This is one of those days where the best way to get through it is just to get through it. To put one foot before the other, viewing the day as practice, doing what you have decided to do because you decided to do it. Not expecting a pat on the back or a thank you. Accepting life on life's terms. This is how we validate ourselves. This is how caregivers keep caring.

Burnout

Burnout, and compassion fatigue, at various degrees, is a common experience for caregivers. Caregivers think that they should not be feeling this way, and so they hold these feelings in. They may be afraid that if they slow down or try to delegate, their loved one won't get the care that they need. They fear that they will somehow drop the ball, and then feel guilty if "something bad happens." Doctors often tell me that they worry as much, or more, about the caregivers of Alzheimer's patients as they do the patients.

Let yourself feel the fatigue and frustration of caregiving. Talk to an objective third party, vent if you need to. Get some breaks here and there, a day or two off. Take care of yourself.

Wake up.

Caregiving is a spiritual experience in so many ways. It forces us to look at our basic beliefs about life, to face the reality of decline and death that up until this moment had been abstract. For many of us, this can be a time of spiritual awakening.

The disappointments and sorrows of life make the present moment that much more precious!

HALT

HALT!

Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?

If you have ever been involved in a 12-step group, you are most likely already familiar this acronym. Basically, it refers to an emotional state that can be the breeding ground for a relapse.

But I think it has special meaning for caregivers. I don't think I have every met a caregiver who doesn't find themselves missing meals or not eating well, feeling angry about something that has happened to them or their loved one, not getting enough emotional support and companionship, or just plain dog tired. Or some combination. Or all four.

It's hard to be there for someone else when you aren't being there for yourslf. Be mindful of how your feeling, and how one of the four HALT siblings can sneak into your life. When you observe this in yourself, do an intervention to take care of yourself and send that one packing.

HALT!

Friends stick around

Are your friends sticking around while you are distracted by caregiving responsibilities?

Human beings are constantly changing, what they need from other people changes, what they can give changes, nothing stays the same forever. We grow at our own pace, and in different ways from the people in our life.

Sometimes we are ready to relate to people differently, we expect more from them, we wanted to be treated in a different way that reflects whom we have become or want to become. Some of the people in our lives can change the way they relate to us, to move in a more positive direction with us, and others can't or won't because they have too much invest in treating us the old way. Whether it is good for them or good for us. And so the relationship has to end.

It's a sad part of life. But on the other hand, as painful as change can be, it's how we grow. Real friends stay the course with us, even if it's not always smooth.

Getting the Conversation Started

One of the issues that we often talk about is support. Some tell me that their family members are constantly attempting to do things for them, to the point that they are made to feel that they can't do anything for themselves. Others tell me that their families aren't helpful at all.

What I learned is that communication is the common thread that runs through all of these conversations. When one family member is facing mobility issues, others in the household often feel helpless. They are worried about the indiviudal whose mobility is imparied, and so they try to jump in and do everything. In a way, they are trying to make themselves feel better by doing taking control, or at least trying. On the other hand, feelings of helplessness can cause family members to essentially 'run away' out of fear that they might do the wrong thing. They make themxelves feel better by avoiding what they think could be an uncomfortable situation.

The best cure for feelings of helplessness is communication. Have you ever sat down with your loved ones and talked about how you feel, physically and emotionally, and letting them know how they can help? Have you ever asked them about what's going with them in regard to your situation? This might lead to a discussion of how they can help, and what you don't need them to help you with. And it might mean a whole lot less tiptoeing around at your house.

Some of the most rewarding experiences I have had include sitting down with patients and family members and helping them to talk about how they can work better together. If you are having trouble initiating this conversation, you might call upon a healthcare or mental health professional to act as mediator.