Looking ahead

I met a wonderful couple over the weekend. These are two people who clearly love each other, who enjoy each other's company, who enjoy their life together. They have a beautiful home, wonderful family and friends. So joyful, so content. And then afterwards I was told that he has a serious illness -- very serious -- that will require extensive treatment that may, or may not, be effective. They know this. If the had told me what was happening in their lives, what could I have said? I guess I would have honored them for living in the moment, for enjoying that day, for being present with each other and with the people that they invited into their home. And I would have wanted to make myself available to them in any way possible, to be present with them. And I would have wanted to somehow make the reality of their lives go away, but I know I couldn't. I was aware of the power of being mindful, of living each day in the present, each moment as if it might be the last. But I was also aware of the feeling of helplessness.

Are you happy?

Happy? That may be a word that you don't think about very often. Or if you do, it may only be long enough to reminisce about past happiness, or maybe to wonder if it is even possible to be happy at this point in your life.

The challenges of helping a loved one facing illness can feel especially hard to face during certain times of the year like upcoming holidays when so many of the people around us appear to be living it up, at least on the surface. But if you’re dealing with medication regimens, diet limitations, mobility challenges, symptoms, side effects… all the summer pressures to go-go-run-run can leave you feeling that you spent life sitting on the sidelines or, on the other hand, tried to keep up and chasing your own tail until you got tired of running.

Happy? What are you, crazy?

Here is an article on my Website that talks more about happiness. http://www.justgotdiagnosed.com/are-you-happy-yet-here-are-some-ideas-get-started

Real happiness starts with your own attitude and your expectations -- or not having expectations. Not judging yourself. Giving into the moment, and seeing what's possible, the joy in each moment. And that means that we all have an equal opportunity to find and grab onto happiness, regardless of the challenges we might be facing.

Get lost!

Once in awhile, preferably on a regular basis, caregivers need to some stress relief. One of the best ways to deal with stress is to get lost. That is, to get lost inside of something that you enjoy doing.

Doing something you love can be like escaping into another world where the worries and the frustrations of caregiving can be put on the shelf, at least temporarily, while you lose track of time and space.

So, you might be asking, just how does one get lost? I would answer that question with a question: How do YOU get lost?

Think back to the last time you escaped into that other world. What were you doing? Enjoying a favorite craft, like knitting? Listening to music? Dancing? Reading a book? Playing with children? Doing some house or yardwork?

What’s happening during these moments of escape is that you essentially distract yourself from the pressures of the moment. You give yourself a “time out” and allow your mind and your emotions to rest. The focus is on you and you alone. Reading can help because it engages your mind and literally carries you into another world for awhile (caution: choose a book that is going to entertain or inspire you). Activities like crafts or housework keep your brain busy through soothing, repetitive movements. Playing with children or volunteering can give you a feeling of connectedness with something outside of yourself.

Any of these activities can give you a temporary refuge and be a way to heal you emotionally while you also reduce stress. And also keep in mind that, even while you are focused in another direction, your mind is working undercover. Have you ever had an inspiration while taking a shower or doing housework? When you distract yourself from your problems, take the pressure off yourself – and take your eye off the ball – you are also giving your brain a chance to work on its own. This can give your brain access to your strengths, and to the possibilities. Who knows, you might return to reality feeling renewed, refreshed, and with a new perspective.

You might be thinking that the obvious solution is TV, but it is not necessarily the best one. TV is pushed at you, no focus on your part is required. What should be helping you to relax by giving you a break from the pressures of life may be stimulating more thinking, more worrying, more frustration. And so much of TV isn’t exactly what I would call feeding your soul. Surfing the Internet also falls into this category.

How are you going to get lost? What takes you out of this world, relaxes you, centers you, gives you a feeling of accomplishment, gives you pleasure? If you aren’t sure, it might be time to do some exploring. Try something you have thought about you haven’t yet taken the step to pursue. Experiment. You will know that you have found it when you look at your watch and say, “wow, I didn’t realize this much time had gone by.”

Need a break from the stress? Get lost!!!

Remind yourself that you are a work in progress.

Looking for another way to stress yourself out?

How about telling yourself what you should have done, said, felt, accomplished, been acknowledged for, etc. All those “shoulds” can turn into a big old club. And if you use that club to hit yourself over the head a few times, you can end up with stress, and probably a headache to go along with it.

Ready to put the club away but not sure how to do it?

You can start by making the decision to allow yourself to be human. That means not always being perfect. Making a few mistakes, a few misjudgments. Pushing too hard, or being a little lazy. Being flat-footed once in awhile and stepping on somebody’s toes.

That’s all part of being human. We learn from our miss-steps. We try to do better next time. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we have to keep practicing. Two steps forward, one or two steps back.

Lighten up. Shake your head at yourself and smile. Resolve to keep trying.

Remind yourself that you are work in progress. You may never “arrive,” whatever that means. But it’s all about doing the best you can on this journey of life.

Sign up for my newsletter

I am now publishing a monthly newsletter. I you are interested in signing up, all you have to do is go to my home page at www.JustGotDiagnosed.com and sign up. The newsletter will include a feature article, a resource of the month, and information for caregivers.

Blaming the victim

It’s hard not to feel helpless when the person you are caring for has bad days. You don't know what to do and so you feel scared, as any human being would. But as a result, you may unintentionally slip into to “blaming the victim.”

You may do this by getting mad at your loved one for not "doing something" to avoid the bad days, as if this was possible. Or you may want them to "fake it til you make it" and pretend they aren't feeling the way they are feeling. Or you want to micro-manage them by getting on top of their compliance with medications. Clearly, none of this is helpful to them and, instead, leaves them feeling unsupported at a time when they need your support.

I am creating a monthly online newsletter through my Website, www.JustGotDiagnosed.com. If you interested in receiving it, please sign up by using the sign-in box on the home page of my Website.

Have you sat down to talk with them about how they feel? Have they had a chance to educate you on what you can do to help them — even if it means backing off — when they are having a bad day? You may have tried this already, but it might help to sit down and get some education.

And while you are at it, this might be a good time to let the person you care for know how they can better help you to help them. Making an agreement to be honest with each other is a great start.

Give your loved one permission to say: “don't worry, I will get through this, and I you will be the first person I will come to if I need help." This might be a good start.

Off to the beach.

Need to run away to gather your thoughts, calm your jangled nerves, and get back to your center? Sounds like time for a little break. No, you don’t have to take the nearest flight to Miami. No need to do all that traveling or wait that long. You can do it right now.

Take a short break from the action. Five minutes if that’s all you have. Find a quieter place where you can be alone. Even the bathroom will do.

Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few slow, deep breaths to begin to calm yourself down. Close your eyes. And then visualize a calm place where you feel relaxed, safe, and at peace with yourself and the world. Like the beach. Or if you are not a beach person, some other place where you feel this way, or your back yard, a park after it’s been snowing, or your grandmother’s kitchen.

Imagine that you have been dropped into this calm place to take a break. What are the smells? The physical sensations? Any happy memories?

Visualize yourself enjoying your surroundings, relaxed, peaceful, renewed. And compassion fatigue avoided for another day.

When you are back to your center, you’re also ready to head back into the action, that much better prepared to maintain your cool.