In retrospect...

My mom passed away on July 21. I went back over some of my blog postings during one of those many moments when I can't help but wonder what I could have done differently, mostly what I could have done better.

I had wanted to chronicle what was going on in my life as I was was being her caregiver. But by the time I started the blog, she was in that stage where she was declining so rapidly that the blog really became more about watching her move toward death, and being her companion on that journey, than it was about being a caregiver. I was standing by as others did the caregiving while I did the handholding and hollow cheerleading. "Come on Mom, looking how you are fighting that infection" became "Are you comfortable, Mom? Won't you try to eat a little more strawberry yogurt?"

I guess I could say I was in the stage of caregiving that I had been dreading for 26 months, but knew I would someday face.

I can also say that being able to use mindfulness techniques, to sit with my emotions and not have to run away from them, to be able to be wholly present with her, was a what helped me to get through what was, in the end, could have been a traumatic experience. Death is primitive, regardless of the circumstances. The pain hasn't gone away, but I am demanding that it go away. I feel my pain, and I feel the pain of others who are suffering a great loss.

I discovered a whole group of individuals who have also lost their parents. They have reached out to help if I need them.

And I have become that much more sensitive to what my clients are going through as they face the challenges of caregiving and loss. I hope that my experience will help me to be that much more present with them.

Thanks, Mom.