Space

Now that my mom has passed, I am continuing to learn about what it means to be a caregiver.

What I am realizing is that caregiving can expand to the point that it becomes a major focus, if not the main focus, in your life. I realize now that most of my emotional energy went in to taking care of my mother -- multiple conversations every day, watching over her healthcare providers, making sure her daily needs were met, making arrangements to travel to see her. The rest of my life went on cruuise control, at best, while I focused on her. It's what I needed to do at the time.

But I am seeing this big gap in my life. The focus -- her -- is gone. Each day is left with empty spaces that used to be filled by her needs.

I am not crying victim and saying that this is all insurmountable. From a zen perspective, my goal is not really a goal, but simply to accept not having a focus, not knowing. I am sitting with the emptiness and not forcing myself, or anyone else, to fill it. Some days this feels easier than others.