Watch your language. You are you. You are not your emotions.

Are you sad, anxious, angry… or are you feeling that way? Caregiving has a way of bringing up all kinds of emotions.

I was thinking today about how easy it is to identify with our emotions, not only to feel them, but to let them take over our lives until we are all about our emotions and our emotions are all about us. And identifying with our emotions begins with the words we use when talking about how we feel.

When I first started studying Spanish in high school, one aspect of the Spanish language that gave me problems was how emotions like sadness and anxiety are expressed.

In English, we say, “I am sad” or “I am anxious.”

But in Spanish, feelings are expressed as: “I have sadness” or “I have anxiety.”

It took awhile to make that adjustment, I have to say. One thing that helped me was to think of the feeling, like sadness or anxiety, as something I might be holding in my hands. In other words, not “I am,” which sounds like you begin and end with your feelings. But “I have,” which means sounds like while you have the emotion right now, you might also be able to put it someplace else.

Try replacing the “I am” with the “I have.” “I am” sounds pretty permanent. “I have” sound like, well, maybe it’s also possible not to have.

And then, open up to the possibility that you have options. That your feelings don’t have to be all you are about. That it is possible to do something about your feelings. I am not trying to say that you can simply decide not to feel the way that you feel and make it go away. That’s just denial, and it’s not realistic. But I am encouraging you to open yourself up to the possibility that you don’t have to feel the way that you feel.

You can have your feelings without being your feelings. You aren’t your depression. You aren’t your anxiety. They are not your true self.

You are you. And that’s a lot more than depression or anxiety.

Lonely in a crowd.

I was thinking today about what a lonely job caregiving can be. In fact, caregiving can feel like the loneliest job in the world. Sure, you are with your loved one. But when you're giving and giving, and not getting your own emotional needs met, or feeling isolated, then it is only human nature to feel lonely. You and me against the world is beautiful in concept but not an easy way to live. Over time, loneliness can contribute to a feeling of helplessness, and feelings of depression. Feeling lonely is a sign that you need to get more emotional support. Find a way to get around people. Spend some time walking around a shopping mall or sitting in a coffee shop. Call a friend or family member and talk. Don't go through this alone.

New Year. Now What?

So here we are at the end of 2011. Yes, it’s that time of year when we’re hit with those “best of the year” and “worst of the year” lists. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were doing your own year-end review, thinking about what happened and what didn’t happen, what you accomplished and what you didn’t accomplish.

And then, I will ask that question one more time, but change the emphasis. How do you THINK you did? I’m emphasizing the word “think” because that’s where you can get yourself in trouble when you’re doing your annual review.

Focus on the bigger picture. Life is an ongoing process of growing, developing, learning, caring and being cared for. An ebb and flow. Life may seem to go better – fewer challenges, more successes – some years, and not so great other years. But the point is that your life isn’t about only one year, but the years that you have lived, and the years that you have ahead of you. So don’t lose your perspective.

Give in to the possibility of change. And while you’re looking at the bigger picture, ask yourself: Is 2012 a year for new directions? The only thing we can really count on is that things change. You’ve already seen it in your own life, with the changes that your diagnosis introduced. The more flexible you can be – ready, willing, and able to shift your priorities, and change your routine – makes it easier to live with uncertainty. Open yourself up to the unexpected.


Make “taking better care of myself” the top priority for 2012. Think about what you need to do to strengthen your foundation. More attention to your physical well-being with an exercise plan? Learning how to cope better with stress? Picking up a new hobby? Spending more time with friends and family? Building a stronger support network? Assess your strengths, and where you need to add more muscle, and commit to doing what you need to do to get bulked up.

Celebrate 2011 by celebrating yourself! You’ve made it through another year. Life is good. And 2012 is a year of even more opportunity for personal growth.

Happy New Year! Make 2012 the best year yet… at least until 2013!

Your middle name isn't God.

Being a caregiver, and all the uncertainty around it, can leave you feeling out of control. Scary decisions to be made. Treatments with unfamiliar side effects. Emotions all over the place. And when humans feel out of control, they begin to fear what we all fear the most: helplessness. Some days you want to micromanage your loved one's life, other days you may want to run for the hills. But consider this: we are not in control of what happens in our lives. Life happens as it happens. Trying to have control over everything is trying to play God, and that's a lose-lose proposition. So, unless your middle name is God, can you give yourself a break? Take a look at what you can control and stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Take life one day at a time. THIS day. Not tomorrow. You don't control that either. Take a deep breath and relax. Live in the moment. Take care of yourself.

Looking ahead

I met a wonderful couple over the weekend. These are two people who clearly love each other, who enjoy each other's company, who enjoy their life together. They have a beautiful home, wonderful family and friends. So joyful, so content. And then afterwards I was told that he has a serious illness -- very serious -- that will require extensive treatment that may, or may not, be effective. They know this. If the had told me what was happening in their lives, what could I have said? I guess I would have honored them for living in the moment, for enjoying that day, for being present with each other and with the people that they invited into their home. And I would have wanted to make myself available to them in any way possible, to be present with them. And I would have wanted to somehow make the reality of their lives go away, but I know I couldn't. I was aware of the power of being mindful, of living each day in the present, each moment as if it might be the last. But I was also aware of the feeling of helplessness.

Are you happy?

Happy? That may be a word that you don't think about very often. Or if you do, it may only be long enough to reminisce about past happiness, or maybe to wonder if it is even possible to be happy at this point in your life.

The challenges of helping a loved one facing illness can feel especially hard to face during certain times of the year like upcoming holidays when so many of the people around us appear to be living it up, at least on the surface. But if you’re dealing with medication regimens, diet limitations, mobility challenges, symptoms, side effects… all the summer pressures to go-go-run-run can leave you feeling that you spent life sitting on the sidelines or, on the other hand, tried to keep up and chasing your own tail until you got tired of running.

Happy? What are you, crazy?

Here is an article on my Website that talks more about happiness. http://www.justgotdiagnosed.com/are-you-happy-yet-here-are-some-ideas-get-started

Real happiness starts with your own attitude and your expectations -- or not having expectations. Not judging yourself. Giving into the moment, and seeing what's possible, the joy in each moment. And that means that we all have an equal opportunity to find and grab onto happiness, regardless of the challenges we might be facing.

Get lost!

Once in awhile, preferably on a regular basis, caregivers need to some stress relief. One of the best ways to deal with stress is to get lost. That is, to get lost inside of something that you enjoy doing.

Doing something you love can be like escaping into another world where the worries and the frustrations of caregiving can be put on the shelf, at least temporarily, while you lose track of time and space.

So, you might be asking, just how does one get lost? I would answer that question with a question: How do YOU get lost?

Think back to the last time you escaped into that other world. What were you doing? Enjoying a favorite craft, like knitting? Listening to music? Dancing? Reading a book? Playing with children? Doing some house or yardwork?

What’s happening during these moments of escape is that you essentially distract yourself from the pressures of the moment. You give yourself a “time out” and allow your mind and your emotions to rest. The focus is on you and you alone. Reading can help because it engages your mind and literally carries you into another world for awhile (caution: choose a book that is going to entertain or inspire you). Activities like crafts or housework keep your brain busy through soothing, repetitive movements. Playing with children or volunteering can give you a feeling of connectedness with something outside of yourself.

Any of these activities can give you a temporary refuge and be a way to heal you emotionally while you also reduce stress. And also keep in mind that, even while you are focused in another direction, your mind is working undercover. Have you ever had an inspiration while taking a shower or doing housework? When you distract yourself from your problems, take the pressure off yourself – and take your eye off the ball – you are also giving your brain a chance to work on its own. This can give your brain access to your strengths, and to the possibilities. Who knows, you might return to reality feeling renewed, refreshed, and with a new perspective.

You might be thinking that the obvious solution is TV, but it is not necessarily the best one. TV is pushed at you, no focus on your part is required. What should be helping you to relax by giving you a break from the pressures of life may be stimulating more thinking, more worrying, more frustration. And so much of TV isn’t exactly what I would call feeding your soul. Surfing the Internet also falls into this category.

How are you going to get lost? What takes you out of this world, relaxes you, centers you, gives you a feeling of accomplishment, gives you pleasure? If you aren’t sure, it might be time to do some exploring. Try something you have thought about you haven’t yet taken the step to pursue. Experiment. You will know that you have found it when you look at your watch and say, “wow, I didn’t realize this much time had gone by.”

Need a break from the stress? Get lost!!!