compassion fatigue

Terms like 'compassion fatigue' are just academic until you actually experience it yourself. I felt it last weekend.

I sat with my mom for three days and basically watched her cry the whole time, with few breaks her and there (mainly when she was taking naps). She is miserable, uncomfortable, depressed. I know she can't help it. At this point, she has no emotional resilience at all. She even cried when her lunch arrived and she didn't see the iced tea.

As a caregiver, after sitting with someone who is feeling that way, hour after hour, and then returning home and hearing the same thing over the telephone, responding becomes more and more difficult. You run out of words. Your own energy gets depleted. You're exhausted. At least I was.

I had to remind myself that she is doing the best she can under these circumstances. I can at least leave the room at some point and go back to my own home, but my mom doesn't get to leave the room, or her own broken down body. No breaks for her.

And I reminded myself that this is life as it is right now, not as I would wish it to be. And this is my job right now. I wouldn't want it to be any other way. Whether or not I am 'feeling it.' One foot in front of the other. In that way, being with her is a form of practice, listening, being present, but not judging.