speakerphone meltdown

I spent three days with my mom over the weekend and I had a meltdown. I admit it.

She basically cried for three days. She didn't feel good, her pressure sore was giving her fits, she wanted to be young and energetic and walk and run and have control of her life again. She didn't admit to the last part but I could see it in her eyes. She is pitiful when she cries, and it makes me feel so incredibly helpless.

But I was also angry at her for making me feel this way, in spite of all of my mental health training which tells me that nobody 'makes' me feel any way, and that I am feeling as helpless as she is, and that my anger is a reaction to that helplessness. Other than catching myself before I got a little short with her at times, what was I supposed to do with all of this anger?

We set my mom up with a speakerphone with big buttons, since she has trouble handling the receiver. It never worked well, and she spilled milk all over it anyway. I bought another one, knowing that it would suck but not finding any alternatives in my Web shopping.

The new one was set up and I realized that was even less effective from the milk-impaired version that it replaced. I tried to use it and it wasn't picking up my voice at all. Boom. The camel's back was broken. I yelled at the phone and managed to hold myself back from throwing it against the wall. My mom sat and watched me, in silence, as as I had my tantrum.

And then I realized what I was raging against. I would be calling my mom from NYC and we wouldn't be able to communicate. She might hear me but she wouldn't be able to answer back. Someday I might call out to her and I won't know if she hears me or not but I know that she won't be able to answer back. Ever.

My brother suggested we hit a discount store to look for another one. We found one that actually works. I can still check in with Mom, for now.